When Heath died we were glad he died instantly, he did not suffer. A lot of people die suddenly or unexpectedly. At first it seems like a relief, you don't have to watch them suffer and you know they are in a better place. We knew that we loved each other, and we said goodbye that morning, even though we did not know it would be the last earthly good bye we would say, we did say good bye. It seems like there was nothing left undone.
I have always wondered if we had one more thing to say to each other what would it be? Not I love you, those are wasted words, we knew we loved each other. Not goodbye, it would also be a waste. Tonight 8 years after his death I finally figured it out. I would say I am sorry. He would say he was sorry. For all the time we wasted fighting. For all the times we let each other down. For the way things could have been the 12 years we were together if we had been better to each other.
Marriage can be such a struggle. 2 people become one, but they both bring their own hangups, wants, needs and desires. It is so easy to start fighting over little things, to bicker. Of course you also have the big fights and feelings are hurt and things are said you can't take back. So tonight I have a heavy heart as I remember how immature and selfish I was, and how immature and selfish he was, and I know we would say I am sorry.
Not for one fight or another, but the lifestyle of bickering and selfishness. We could have had so much more in our 12 years. For now all I can do is be a better person. Heath and I have forgiven each other, even though we never said it. Even though we never had a chance to take back some of the things we said or explain why we did some of the more stupid things. So here is your chance to not be a spouse that feels the need to apologize when it is over. It does not matter if the clothes are on the couch for one more day, or if I always have to do everything. Stop keeping score, and just love each other.