I went to see my GYN 6 weeks ago. He started using words like biopsy and we will see. Dave does not attend the GYN appointments with me, that just seems EWW. So, I schedule the biopsy and come home, and start to pout my affairs in order. Never tell a hypochondriac something "might" be wrong, because we KNOW it is wrong. After the biopsy I wait 2 excruciating weeks for the results. thanks to google and web MD I had every symptom. I received a preliminary report letting me know the results were benign. It was such a relief, they scheduled an appointment for the official notification. My first thought was, this is a trick to get me to come back. I am going to show up and they are going to change their results. I took Dave for Back-up.
Seated in the little room, with Dave, was a nightmare. He is Audrey's father for sure. He was touching stuff. I kept saying, "don't touch that you don't know where they put it." I then started saying "Don't touch that your hands are not even sterile". Big Mistake, his eyes went straight to a giant bottle of hand sanitizer. It was on top of a tall filing cabinet. He rushed over, and started trying to depress the handle. Obviously they do not use it, gross. It was clogged shut. Fortunately, Dave was able to use enough force it broke loose and spewed all over him. As he cleaned it off his face, shirt, cap, and sunglasses, the doctor came in.
The doctor was very interested in Dave. At first I thought Dave missed some sanitizer on his face, but he didn't. I began to realize my doctor was flirting with Dave. I know most people think I am a trophy wife, just for show. That is not the case, we are the real deal. That man was barking up the wrong tree with Dave! Finally, he turns his attention towards the dying patient. The doctor affirms I have no cancer, but then the conversation took a strange twist. It ended with him saying, " You possible have a blood clot in your leg. We are going to do a blood test to check. If your calf muscle swells anymore go to the ER. If the clot comes loose over the weekend it will be a fatal event." I am sorry, In what universe do you use the words "Fatal Event", to a hypochondriac.
We left the doctor's office stunned. I am not sure what was more stunning for Dave. The doctor did everything but say, "if she kicks off this weekend , you give me a call." I let Dave's sister know if they were going to do a pool on how long it was going to take me to break down and go to the ER I wanted in on it.
Very Proud of myself, I made it through the weekend. I went to work Monday. However, by Tuesday, my leg was swollen all the way to my hip. So I took my fatal event to the ER. Dave had to stay with the kids, so I was on my own.
I explained to them I was only their under DR's orders. The exam revealed, my calf, knee, thigh and hip were swollen. They agreed to do the ultra sound for 200.00. FINE! I was sitting in the little room, waiting for my ultra sound, when a lady walked in. She looked at me and said' "have they already taken her?" I was confused. I said , "NO??" She said , " Where is she?" I said "Right here?"
The Ultra sound tech was very embarrassed, it was very awkward, she said no one comes to the ER alone. Thanks, that makes it less awkward. We begin the ultra sound, Evidently it was necessary to focus the procedure on my groin area. Super awkward. She did the swollen side first, then for comparison reasons she did the not swollen side. She tried for several minutes and then informed me she could not find the muscle. I said, "Oh do you need me to flex it?" I thought that was funny, I started cracking myself up. She did not get it. she never smiled, never broke concentration. She said, "That won't be necessary." I thought to myself, Audrey is doing my ultra sound.
Back to the room for the results. The doctor said, "I did not see anything benign." I don't even know what that means anymore. He suggested I see my regular doctor tomorrow. He said I may need an x-ray. He said I may have a pulled muscle causing my leg to swell from the ankle to the hip. I think he had bigger problems than a hypochondriac with a swollen leg.
Tomorrow, I go to a real doctor. My doctor. Tomorrow I will be well.