Audrey has always preferred to play by herself, or with much younger children; she is nine, her best friend is five. This year we were told by the school, she has no friends in class and no one wants to play with her on the playground. I get it, she is very immature. She does a lot of things the other kids find annoying; Singing in the classroom, making noises, her angry outbursts. The other kids do not want to deal with that. As her parents, hearing about it and being unable to help her, hurts.
Bullying has never been an issue. The other kids have always been a little scared of her, because she is so unpredictable and a little crazy. We have tried so hard to teach her to be nice to everyone, we forgot to teach her how to help herself. When a group of kids started to make fun of her, she tried to argue with them. That only increased their power. A student was ignoring her and she tried to confront him. She tried to force the other kids to play with her. Another student stole her lunch. She did not tell anyone because she was afraid she would get in trouble for tattling. Incidences kept happening while we were powerless to help. Audrey stopped spontaneously singing, that is her happy meter. She began pulling out clumps of her hair at school. Once we figured out what was happening, we were still powerless. She could not tell us who was making her so upset. Audrey can not remember names. Let me put that into perspective; Audrey has known Josh for at least 6 years, He came over the other day and she kept calling him Sean. The only Shawn we know is a woman. She can not give us the names of her bullies, so we can not help her.
This is the first year she has shown no academic progress. Benchmark testing Audrey scored among the lowest in her grade. I felt like I had been punched when they told us that. I spent the first half of the year trying to explain she was smart and could learn. I spent the second half accepting the fact she needed an alternative way.
The first big change was the school bus. She was to much of a disruption on the bus and almost caused a wreck. It was decided the short bus would be better for her. I was embarrassed at first, Haven't we all made short bus jokes. Audrey loves that bus. She loves the driver and the shorter route. The first mention of resource classroom, I was a little offended. She is so smart, but we can not reach in and pull it out of her. She has to give it to us. Slowly, I have accepted the reality. She needs to be in resource. She started resource classes in March. She loves it. She adores the teacher and the smaller class is so much better for her, mentally and emotionally. She is not hung up on the title like I was.
When she was first diagnosed, they told us her diagnosis could change. They said in time her symptoms could become so unnoticeable she would no longer be classified as Autistic. She graduated from the autistic school and started mainstream ahead of her classmates. Her test scores were average or above. It feels like she has regressed so much. She has not regressed, she just has not progressed. Her peers are becoming more and more independent, while Audrey needs the same level of assistance she needed in kindergarten. That problem alone keeps her from progressing. Her meltdowns are more frequent, because of her friction with her classmates. Her desire to be treated fairly, as she perceives fairness, frustrates school staff.
Through it all, Dave and I have attended meetings, tried new things, offered suggestions, prayed and prayed more. We have waited for God.
People always comment to me that I handle it all so well. Looks are deceiving. I spent many months bogged down by depression. My humorous posts almost gone because I did not want to smile. The tremendous amount of effort it took to get up and go to work. All I wanted to do was hide inside all day. I pushed away friends and family. I only talk about it with a very small group of people. Everyone has advice, it becomes overwhelming. I avoided Church, I did not want to put a smile on my face and walk through the door. I also did not want to walk in crying and explain it. I avoided. Everyday dreading "news" from the school.
I got through it because Dave understood I needed space. My co-workers understand sometimes I am a pain, and my weird sense of humor is a coping mechanism. My Mother In Law showed up when we needed her, not because we asked, but because she knew we needed her. My older kids listened to me whine, and Landon gave me the occasional pep talk. He knows we struggle just like he does. God also gave Audrey a resource teacher in tune with her needs. A teacher that has made several recommendations for next year. New ideas we could not have suggested, new ideas we would not have thought of.
Most important I waited for God to work it out. Not patiently. I had a pint of ice cream in one hand and a bag of funyuns in the other. While I waited God gave Audrey a music teacher that gets her and inspires her. He blessed us with news of a new grandchild. He sent Aaliyah to visit me. He kept me going everyday while he worked it out. The result, absolutely not what I wanted, but absolutely what Audrey needs. I have had to accept the fact she is truly special needs. No matter how normal she can appear on the outside, she is not neuro-typical. While we waited, God planned out next year for her.
She will promote to a new school, much bigger school. A school where they do not know her and she would be lost in the system until about mid semester. Thankfully, God used the staff at her current school to put in place all the new and special accommodations for next year. She will start out with a plan in place to be successful. Dave and I just had to move out of the way and let God work. It is always so hard. I am so glad it is over.
People always think Dave and I have it all together. It looks like we handle it all so well. It only works out well when we lean on God and Let him do the hard part. We also realize it takes a village. Thankfully, God sent; Nancy, Morgan, Amanda, Lauren, Meredith, Jenna, Stacy, Suann, Keith, Celesia and Ms. Highnote among others. They helped me through this difficult year and I appreciate them all. God Willing, we will all have a better year.